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11 January, 2001 9.52am pst | Rubbery Edition
eVilla vs. Godzilla
Godzilla

by Be Dope foreign correspondent Leonard Richardson

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Tokyo is in flames today as Internet appliance eVilla and gargantuan, radiation-spawned monster Godzilla duke it out above an unconvincing cardboard model of the city.

Be Dope spoke to poorly-dubbed biologist Akira Ichinose of the Toho-Daiei Monster Research Institute, who handicapped the fight for us. "Although Godzilla is a veteran of many previous monster battles," Dr. Ichinose said, "eVilla has the advantage of greater speed and a smaller footprint. While Godzilla brings to the fight his radioactive breath and trademark roar, eVilla has better Internet connectivity and a true journaling filesystem. All in all, I'd say they're pretty evenly matched."

Upon hearing news that Godzilla had once again emerged from Tokyo Harbor to lay waste to the city, thousands of extras panicked and fled towards higher ground. Many were, unfortunately, cut off by the simultaneous release of eVilla from a downtown Sony office. Rubber-suit monster and cutting-edge Internet device seemed drawn to each other, and the battle royale began in earnest above the rooftops of a terrified city.

Perhaps inevitably, the combat attracted the attention of other monsters and consumer electronics devices. Rodan, Mothra, and Megalon have teamed up to fight off three DVD players and an blueberry iMac, while Gamera was last spotted engaging in aerial combat with a swarm of DoCoMo-enabled cellular phones. Mechagodzilla, who is both monster and consumer electronics device, is battling himself. As a result of the melee, Tokyo Tower has been knocked over and reduced to rubble, for the third time this calendar year.

When will the carnage end? The Japanese have long abandoned their "shell monsters ineffectually" policy for a lower-impact "evacuate and rebuild" policy. "Don't hurt Gamera!", says Toshio, a six-year-old boy who for some reason is in command of the entire Japanese military. "Gamera is the friend of all children!"

Sony is a worldwide manufacturer of home entertainment products. Representing the forces of a vengeful nature against which man is helpless, Monster Island-based Godzilla provides e-crushing and lizard beast destruction services for the new economy.

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