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7 June, 2000 3.00pm pdt | Stilton Edition
Microsoft Outlines Plan For Split
i like microsoft so much, i wish there were two of them

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) U.S. Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson issued a ruling Wednesday ordering that Microsoft Corp. be split into two companies, one for its computer operating system business and another for its remaining software and online operations. In a surprise move, Microsoft has reportedly begun to plan for for its split into two companies, instead of instantly filing an appeal as expected. The first step involves Microsoft ordering 15,000 meters of masking tape.

According to leaked versions of the plan, Microsoft will divide its buildings and other properties in two down the middle with the masking tape, thus marking the territories of the new companies. Employees of either company would be forbidden to cross the line for any reason.

The plan also details the planned building alterations (ladders, chutes, fireman poles) required so all employees have access to bathrooms, exits, soda machines and shrines to Bill.

Two as-yet-undetermined Microsoft executives will be chosen as leaders. These leaders will then go through a process known as "choosing up sides" where they will alternate choosing from a full assembly of Microsoft employees to form the two new companies. To decide who will choose first, they will "shoot" odds and evens, with the best two out of three winning the opportunity to select first.

Equipment will go with employees to their new company. The fate of common equipment will be determined through a series of dodgeball games.

Half of Microsoft stockholders will be contacted and instructed to cross out "Microsoft" and write in the name of the new company on their stock certificates.

New, publicly available pricing structures will be based on the mathematical system of the ancient Mayans. To help companies who may not be familiar with the ins and outs of this system, the two companies will provide experts free of charge to explain things to them.

Bill Gates will remain as chairman of the OS division, and according to the plan a mysterious and previously unknown twin sister, Willemina Gates, has been appointed chairperson of the second company.

"I'm all about Innovation(tm)," Ms. Gates commented.

It is suspected the OS company will retain Fear, while the everything-else company will obtain Uncertainty and Doubt.

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