Tech: Hello, StickyPr0n, Inc. tech support. Kris speaking. How may I help you?

Customer: It doesn't work.

Tech: Can you please be more specific, sir?

Customer: Your pr0n. It used to work but now it doesn't. I want a refund.

Tech: Let's see if we can't fix the problem first. Now tell me exactly what happens when you access our pr0n.

Customer: Well, I look at the pr0n the same way I always do, but instead of getting off on it I have total hardware failure.

Tech: I see. Have you made any hardware changes since the last time you successfully viewed our pr0n?

Customer: Huh?

Tech: Anything like surgery, tattoos, piercings ...

Customer: No, no, I haven't made any changes like that. I did get a haircut, could that be it?

Tech: Most likely not sir. And I assume that you haven't had any actual interpersonal physical relations in the meantime?

Customer: I'm sorry, I don't understand all those technical terms ...

Tech: I assume you haven't had sex with anyone besides yourself?

Customer: [laughing] Oh, no, I'm sure I would have remembered that.

Tech: Of course. Ok, now when the pr0n fails to get you off, do you have any specific thoughts about why it's not working this time.

Customer: No, not really.

Tech: Nothing at all? Your mind is just a total blank?

Customer: Well I guess sometimes I'm thinking about something. I never really pay much attention to that.

Tech: Ok, let's try looking at some pr0n now, and I want you to pay special attention to what you're thinking when the pr0n fails to arouse you, and tell me your thoughts exactly, Ok?

Customer: Ok.

Tech: Are you online and at our service now sir?

Customer: Yes.

Tech: Ok, I want you to click the link that says [consults Customer: profile] "Hot Lesbian Bondage Action XXX Pic of the Day."

Customer: I don't see it ..

Tech: Scroll down sir.

Customer: Oh, yes, I clicked it.

Tech: Now, wait for the picture to load and if it fails to arouse you, be sure to note what thought comes up instead.

Customer: Ok, it's downloaded...oops.

Tech: What happened?

Customer: Well I had a thought but it went away before I could write down what it was.

Tech: Can you remember any of what it was?

Customer: I'm not sure. Something about "exploitation".

Tech: I see. Tell me sir, have you viewed any unusual media since you last enjoyed our pr0n?

Customer: Ummmm ...

Tech: Any magazines or TV shows or movies that are outside your usual media consumption usage?

Customer: I rented "American Pie" over the weekend.

Tech: Well that shouldn't have caused any problems. Anything else?

Customer: No, no ... oh wait, I was home sick a couple of days last week and watched some afternoon TV.

Tech: Ok, this could be significant. Tell me exactly what shows you watched.

Customer: Ummm, Jerry Springer, Win Ben Stein's Money, Oprah, General Hospital ...

Tech: Oprah? Oprah Winfrey?

Customer: Yes, I believe that was it.

Tech: Well that's the problem. Oprah is totally incompatible with our pr0n.

Customer: Oh...what do I do now?

Tech: I'm afraid we'll have to do a partial reinstall. Do you have any old Penthouse magazines around?

Customer: Only dating back to 1993 ...

Tech: That's fine. Start at 1997 or so and look through all the pictures. Be careful not to read any of the articles. After that try viewing our pr0n again and everything should be fine.

Customer: Thank you so much for you help.

Tech: You're welcome. And I suggest you look through your StickyPr0n documentation and review what other TV shows, movies and books are incompatible with StickyPr0n - this way you can avoid this problem in the future.

Customer: I will, thank you again.

Tech: No problem and thank you for using StickyPr0n.

Posted on Tue 14 Mar 20:18:37 2000 PST
Written by mike popovic <editor@bedope.com> [ Author Info ]

mike popovic is editor of Be Dope, the largest collection of BeOS-related news pr0n in the world. He denies that he ever appeared in over a dozen movies under an assumed name.