Andy Grove To Make BeOS His Life's Work
Just days after stepping down as CEO of Intel, Andy Grove has announced he will now focus on the emerging BeOS.

"I truly did love my work at Intel," said Grove at a press conference this morning, "but I could not stand aside and allow the lion's share of the processing power I created be crippled by poorly designed code and certain operating systems built in Redmond any longer."

"The BeOS makes remarkably efficient use of the power in the chip I've poured my life into," Grove continued, "it is a natural move for me to support the BeOS and finally show the world the true power of the Intel chip."

Grove will meet with Be engineers next week and begin working on optimizing the Intel version of the BeOS for its next release, slated for this fall.

"I know a trick or two they might be interested in," remarked Grove.

"We are happy to add Andy to our team, and are sure his unique, in-depth knowledge will be reflected by the performance of the BeOS," said Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée.

Microsoft stock was down 15 1/4 on the announcement.

Use Be, Live Longer
According to a study conducted by Harvard Medical School, long-term users of the BeOS have a higher probability of leading longer, healthier lives.

In a study of Be employees and developers, 98% were found to be in better health than other operating system employees and developers of their age and background. Over 90% of them showed signs of eliminating factors that can lead to chronic heart disease.

"Stress levels recorded during and immediately after sessions using the BeOS were an order of magnitude lower than those using other operating systems, such as Windows or Macintosh," the report states.

"By not placing stress on the heart at an early age, it has a tendency to be more resilient later in life. Additionally, users of the BeOS are spared mental stresses that can lead to headaches and ulcers," said research leader Dr. Peter Calway.

Additionally, the efficiency of the BeOS allows users more leisure time.

"John-Louis [Gassée] is an excellent example," Calway continued. "He is in remarkable health for a man his age who has spent a lifetime abusing his body with all sorts of French cheeses."

"What it comes down to," Calway explained, "is that Be users are just plain happier people. This leads naturally to a long, well-adjusted, healthy life."

Bill Gates Wipes Out Windows 98
In a devastating setback to Microsoft, Chairman and CEO Bill Gates accidentally wiped out the source code for the upcoming release of Windows 98.

"I was messing around in the source late at night, optimizing some code, and the next thing I know I was waking up looking at a blank file. Somehow, while sleeping, I suspect I leaned on key combinations that caused a Select All, Delete and Save," said a very tired-looking Gates.

An emergency coding session was called where engineers re-typed from memory any changes they had made since the last Beta release.

"We recovered some code, but it is probable quite a bit is lost for good," one engineer said.

Microsoft reports this will push the next release of the Windows OS to the year 2001 or "fourth quarter in the year 2000, if we are lucky".

"The new Windows 00 will be even better than Windows 98 would have been. Really, we promise," Gates pleaded. "This is certainly not the time to switch to an alternate operating system. Just wait a few more years, and we'll be all set."

BeOS Rescues Family From Bitter Breakup
While some of the advantages of the BeOS are obvious - symmetric multiprocessing, pervasive multitasking, etc. - other less tangible features are just as powerful. Just ask freelance web designer, William McKitrick, who credits the BeOS with helping to save his marriage.

"I do tech support during the day, but started my own business as a web page consultant to bring in some extra money, since we have a baby on the way," said McKitrick. "I didn't mind sacrificing a little free time every night working on something I enjoy that perhaps could grow into a full-time career. My wife, Doreen, was very supportive."

McKitrick landed a couple of clients, and all was going well until one fateful night when his machine locked up.

"Well, at first I wasn't concerned, seeing as I was using Windows and I will lock up at least a few times per day," McKitrick stated. "But when I rebooted, I knew things were going to be different."

Apparently, several key files had been corrupted and McKitrick was not able to boot Windows, not even in "Safe Mode". So he reinstalled Windows 95.

"Again, I didn't think it was a big deal. You generally have to install Windows from scratch from time to time."

However, his machine never recovered 100%. Crashes were frequent, as were reinstalls and long hours on the phone with technical support personnel.

"Tensions were high," explained McKitrick, "I was spending all my time fixing the computer and trying to meet the web design deadlines I had committed to when I wasn't having computer problems. I was missing childbirth class. Every time the computer would crash, Doreen would burst into tears. One night during an install that took all night, she went to stay at her mother's."

Then a friend mentioned the stability and efficiency of the BeOS.

"I had never heard of it," McKitrick admitted, "but I was desperate enough to try anything."

After being amazed by the fifteen minute install, McKitrick settled down to work.

"I downloaded Pe and was working away in five minutes. The OS never crashed. It was responsive. Creating and editing images was blazingly fast. My mind was free to focus on the work itself," gushed McKitrick.

Days later, McKitrick's life is back on track. The BeOS has been running 24/7 without fail. Work is completed without interruption. Many previously manual processes have been automated using shell scripts.

"Because I can count on the stability of the BeOS, I'll schedule jobs to run automatically at various time throughout the day and night. Should an emergency arise, I can simply telnet into my machine from wherever I am and take care of it," McKitrick testified. "I can spend the time I want to with my wife and our marriage is secure."

So is he planning to name his new baby Jean-Louis in gratitude?

"Well, let's not get crazy now," McKitrick deferred.

BeOS Dominates Future OS Market
According to a highly placed source inside Be Inc. headquarters, the BeOS achieves domination of the OS market in the not-too-distant future. This according to a time traveller who has returned to 1998 to film documentary footage of Be Inc.'s beginnings.

"I really can't give too much away," said the time-traveller in a closed-door top-level meeting at Be Inc. headquarters, "but obviously the future has a great interest in knowing what was going on at Be at this particular point in history. That's why my grant to film a documentary of Be in this time period was approved with record speed."

The time-traveller has been hanging around Be Inc.'s headquarters, often in the guise of a French journalist or American investor, gathering footage and conducting interviews.

"Very few that I have spoken with know my true identity and mission," said the time-traveller. "I find the dedication and passion of the Be employees fascinating."

Many suspect that this time period was chosen due to the release of the Intel version of the BeOS.

"While many programmers, engineers and other geeks have taken advantage of the BeOS for years on the PowerPC platform, the Intel release is forcing Be onto a more public stage," said our source.

"The development of time travel was made possible by the BeOS. It was sort of obvious, but we didn't really focus on it until we ridded the world of poverty and disease and instituted a world government. It was actually an engineer working on the Europa colony that....well, nevermind! I don't want to give it all away," said the time-traveller in one of the meetings with Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée.

Be Inc. had no official comment on this story.