NSA Does Not Declare BeOS Responsible for Technological Breakthroughs
The United States National Security Agency (NSA), the super-secret agency responsible for the centralized coordination, direction, and performance of highly specialized technical functions in support of U.S. Government activities to protect U.S. communications and produce foreign intelligence information, did not announce the use of the BeOS for stunning advances in the areas of mathematics and cryptography.

The NSA also did not report that they have used the BeOS to create encryption schemes decades beyond any others in development. Additionally, there was no report of algorithms that can crack any foreign code in twelve seconds.

The NSA most definitely did not report developing advanced pattern-recognition algorithms that they then used to alter DNA patterns of embryos in development, creating humans with genius-level intelligence coupled with stunning good looks and total obedience. This was not followed-up with a report of how the same pattern-alteration technology could be used to alter alpha waves of people as they slept and more or less "program" their dreams.

There was a further lack of reports concerning the use of the BeOS in designing prototype electro-magnetic pulse bombs and nanomachines that attach to the optic nerve and transmit images recorded by the human eye.

There is no report of a BeOS machine in geostationary orbit using image recognition software to read, record and build a location and movement database of people based on their unique infrared radiation signature.

The NSA had no comment, since none of these events ever officially took place.

God Switches to BeOS As Gates Does Deal With the Devil
Citing ease of development and use, God officially declared the BeOS as the standard for Heaven and all Divine Realms.

"While we do use much of the fine software readily available for the BeOS, our operations rely on many custom applications. With the BeOS, our programmers can write blazingly fast programs in half the time. Babbage, Pascal, and all the other programmers love coding for the BeOS," God said to several reporters gathered on a mountaintop somewhere in the Andes.

Since the adoption of the BeOS, Angels have been able to clear a backlog of souls waiting in purgatory and bring them to Eternal Salvation in half the projected time.

"Additionally, we are processing, on average, 47% more prayers per day (ppd)," Saint Stephen reported. A low ppd rate will cause a God's flock to experience frustration and possibly seek alternative spiritual guidance if the problem persists.

Also attractive to many of Heaven's residents were the inherent multimedia capabilities of the BeOS.

"As soon as we installed the BeOS, Hendrix and Mozart locked themselves in their studio. I look forward to their next concert. And Monet's work has never been better," God stated.

God would not answer directly when asked about an alleged deal between Microsoft CEO Bill Gates and the Devil as part of the reason for the switch to the BeOS.

"While I won't comment directly on that, obviously, if a certain party made a deal with the Devil, Heaven would move away from using that party's product. I will also say that when something mediocre at best - whether it be art, music or software - gains worldwide popularity, you can usually bet the Devil is involved somehow."

"I look forward to the day when BMessages replace burning bushes," God added.

BeOS' Nerdkill Saves Lives, Study Shows
Nerdkill, a violence simulation application (VSA) for the BeOS saves lives and generally improves the standard of living for its players, a study to be published in next month's New England Journal of Medicine claims.

"Unlike other VSAs where a player comes away with feelings of violence undampened or indeed heightened, Nerdkill offers such a realistic and satisfying experience that its players report a serene sense of calm after just ten minutes of play," Dr. Ira Ridky explained.

"I've never actually shot anyone in real life, but, sure I've wanted to. Who hasn't?" asks Ohio postal worker Carl Davis. "But I kept myself pretty under control, sticking to dropping fragile packages, bending photos and kicking the occasional dog. But since we've adopted the Nerdkill program, even that has stopped, and I haven't felt like shooting anyone, even my supervisor."

Davis is part of a clinical trial in which postal workers in the town of Canton, Ohio are required to play Nerdkill for at least ten minutes everyday.

"By substituting simulated violence - not only shooting but electrocution and other forms of destruction - for actual violence, we have reduced customer complaint and supervisor fatality by 68%," Ridky reported.

An earlier attempt at the trial, where several Windows-based machines were setup with Quake failed when three technicians were killed after frustrated postal workers tried for hours to create a working boot disk.

Dr. Ridky plans to expand the trials to other stressfull occupations, including air traffic controllers, heart surgeons and Microsoft tech support personnel.

"I have never been less fearful of my daily mail delivery," a Canton resident stated, "it's good to see my tax dollars at work."

Engineers Battle at Be Inc. Headquarters
Two warring factions of Be engineers did battle today at Be Inc. Headquarters in Menlo Park, CA. At issue was a long standing feud about exactly what makes the BeOS so "kick-ass".

"Pervasive Multitasking, where applications are broken down into hundreds of smaller tasks that can be quickly switched in and out as you move between applications is crucial," said "Brian" [names changed to protect identities].

"Just you try to make efficient use of those smaller tasks without Symmetric Multiprocessing to distribute them among four or more processors," countered "Dom".

The argument quickly broke down into a stream of zeros and ones, the basic language of all computing. However, logic failed to prevail, as with a cry of "0101001001010101010101011110101000101101010001001 !!!!" a monitor was hurled across the room. Fortunately, when the dust settled, the only casualties were the monitor, two tower units, a handful of modems and one chef hat. Engineers soon returned to work, refreshed by the lively discussion.

"We encourage a frank exchange of ideas when it comes pushing the envelope of computer science," Be CEO Jean-Louis GasíŠe said in a prepared statement.

PETA to File Lawsuit Against Apple Computer, Inc.
Citing "cruel and inhumane torture" as its main tenets, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) filed a cease and desist lawsuit against Apple Computer today in objection to its latest advertising campaign.

The television advertisement in question, known in the industry as "the snail ad", depicts a snail carrying a Pentium II processor, illustrating the relative speed of the processor when compared with the processor used in Apple's powerful new line of G3 computers.

"We do not take issue with Apple's claim of processor superiority," said PETA celebrity spokesperson Kim Bassinger, "rather with the cruel treatment of the snails used in making this advertisement".

Seventeen snails died trying to carry the Pentium chip the required two inches needed to shoot the ad, until a snail strong enough to carry the weighty chip was finally found. "Buffy", explains the snail's agent, "was specially bred for sustained heavy lifting."

Rumors that snail ad narrator Richard Dreyfuss was seen gathering up the seventeen fallen snails along with some "garlic, butter and pasta" could not be confirmed at press time.

Apple Computer was unavailable for comment.

BeOS Will Be Used In March 3rd Senate Hearing
Hours after Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced he would be testifying at the a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing to be held on March 3, Senate officials revealed the BeOS will play a crucial role in the proceedings.

Specially designed hardware will be run from the Geek Port of a customized BeBox to the witness' chair. Using this specially designed hardware in conjunction with advanced pattern-recognition software made possible by the speed of the BeOS, officials will be able to gauge the truth of statements made with unprecedented accuracy.

"Now we'll finally get some answers," said committee chairman Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). "By evaluating answers to our non-biased questions, we will learn details of Gates' plan for world domination."

Industry experts believe there will be hard-hitting questions about Microsoft's attempts to integrate Internet Explorer and the Windows OS with anything that moves.

"I could have sworn last week that my computer was trying to convince my blender to integrate with it," Sen. Hatch testified.

The committee had been making little to no progress until recently, when it switched from Windows NT to the BeOS.

"I thank the folks at Be for putting together such an efficient OS," Sen. Hatch stated. "When working under Windows, it was as if data and evidence relating to Microsoft anti-competitive practices was disappearing from out network. Just when we felt we had a rock-solid case, a key file would turn up corrupted or just go plain missing. One time the entire network went down for days. Progress was quite slow."

Once the BeOS was installed in late January, the case came together without further technical incident.

"It let me work so efficiently I had plenty of time to dedicate towards my ongoing investigation of porn on the Web," Sen. Hatch added.