BeOS Brings Endangered Species Back From Brink of Extinction
Officials at New York's Bronx Zoo are happy to announce the successful mating of two rare Chinese Red Pandas - the first successful mating of the species in captivity.

"This marks a turnaround for this wonderful species," Bronx Zoo director Martin Hayes stated, "and we owe it all to the power of the BeOS."

According to animal behavioral experts, the problem with animals in captivity is that they are usually not relaxed enough to mate. The unusual surroundings or possible conflict with the intended mate can override the "natural drive" to procreate.

In the past, zoologists have tried everything from soft music to romantic lighting to entice endangered animals to mate, with varying degrees of success. However, in the case of the red pandas, nothing was working.

"We tried all of the traditional methods with [the red pandas] T'sing and Li Chi, but nothing was working. Then we read an article about how Tibetan monks have adopted SineClock running under the BeOS as their new relaxation standard. It seemed like a crazy idea, but we were pretty desperate at the time," said Hayes.

SineClock was downloaded and installed on a BeOS machine that was being used for advanced data modeling of the migratory patterns of African rhinos. The scientists patched it into some external speakers in the red pandas' den.

"While the sound seemed soothing to me, personally, I was skeptical of the effect it would have on the pandas. But to our delight the panda soon began to approach each other and within ten minutes, were working hard towards the survival of their species. It was truly a miracle," gushed Hayes.

Hayes then conducted tests with other animals. "Across the board, the effects were spectacular. Lemurs, okapi, sloths, geckos, you name it, these animals started getting it on to the sounds of SineClock."

The new method is being adopted by zoos around the word, and scientists expect to save thousands of species of animals from extinction.

"In the interest of scientific testing, I will be setting up SineClock in my bedroom tonight," Hayes concluded.

Disaster Narrowly Averted at SD '98
Software Development '98 Conference and Expo, a gathering of software development professionals, was the scene of near tragedy yesterday as part of the flooring structure collapsed under the stress of overzealous conference attendees.

At 2.37pm (pst) the floor around the booth of Be Inc., started to buckle, causing expo attendees and Be employees alike to scramble for safety. Fortunately, everyone reached safety before the ground totally gave way and collapsed in a cloud of dust.

"We are investigating the probable cause of collapse," stated SD'98 Director Eric Faurot, "but highly suspect the collapse was due to the unprecedented activity around the Be booth since the start of the expo Tuesday morning".

The "unprecedented activity" started soon after the expo door opened. A crowd soon gathered around the Be booth. Instead of looking and moving on, attendees would be drawn in by the powerful performance of the BeOS.

"It was like a New York subway at rush hour," said one attendee, describing the crowds. "Everyone was packing in to get a closer look at how much performance the BeOS was squeezing out of the hardware".

Officials suspect the real problem came when Be "Demo God" Alex Osadzinski added to the stress on the floor by working the crowd into what they call "a religious-like fervor". "It was like a tent revival meeting, what with all the whooping and hollering," said bemused officials. "By showing off the BeOS with such abandon, Mr. Osadzinski had people stomping on the floor and jumping up and down".

"We of course regret the damage to the Moscone Center and are thankful that no one was injured," stated Be Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée, "but are not surprised at the people's reaction to an operating system packing a lot more power than they have imagined possible, based on their current OS performance".

The Be booth was relocated to an area with specially reinforced flooring that officials claim can withstand weeks of heavy traffic, jumping and stomping.

"We'll just see about that," a grinning Osadzinski said.

Iraq Admits Defeat When Confronted with BeOS
In a complete about-face in policy, Iraq has agreed to comply completely with United Nations weapons inspectors. The turning point came when Iraqui intelligence agents discovered the US Military has begun using the BeOS for all its weapons systems and wargame simulations.

"They have right on their side and they will defend their country and they will use their weapons in the best way," Iraq's Defense Minister Gen. Sultan Hashim Ahmed said of the Iraqi troops, "but that means nothing in the face of the superior power of the BeOS. We dare not go up against symmetric multiprocessing, protected memory and pervasive multitasking."

In a statement made before the UN Security Council today, Iraq has promised to open all areas to UN inspection teams, including previously forbidden "presidential sites".

"Not only will we welcome inspection teams to these areas," General Ahmed stated, "we will welcome them with parades, songs and cold drinks, as long as the threat of a BeOS coordinated military strike is not carried out."

Surveillance satellites confirm that the Iraqis are folding up their tents and going home. Troops are being withdrawn, and "military exercises" have ceased. Weapons, ranging from bazookas to slingshots, are being deposited in the street for the UN team to collect.

Be Inc. CEO, Jean-Louis Gassée, is happy to see the BeOS being used as a tool for diplomacy alongside other, more traditional tools: "Obviously, you do not have to use the BeOS exclusively when it comes to diplomacy, as it was designed to complement, not replace. However, this situation certainly demonstrates the kick-ass advantages of using just the BeOS."

The United Nations inspection team boarded a plane to Iraq this morning, and plan to waste no time in dismantling any Iraqi weapon arsenals.

"We are really, really sorry. Really. You are welcome to search anywhere you like, not excluding body cavities," Ahmed added.

BMessage Source Discovered in Mu Andromeda Region
The SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) community is abuzz with the news of a possible contact from intelligence of non-earth origin. In a public news release, Project Phoenix reveals that the BeOS is directly responsible for this revolutionary breakthrough.

"We are always looking at how new technology can serve the project," Project Director Dr. Jill C. Tarter states, "so we added a machine running the impressive BeOS operating system to our network. We thought its speed and multi-media capabilities would offer great advantages in the fields of statistical analysis and three-dimensional data display."

However, none anticipated the BeOS would lead to developments that have government officials and media alike swarming to the West Bank, VA facility. While the project staff soon became addicted to the power of the BeOS, the turning point came only when a staff member installed message_daemon, which "provides a means of exchanging BMessages with other networked BeOS machines," explains message_daemon author Jason D. Gosnell.

"After the installation of message_daemon, the BeOS started acting strangely," says Dr. Peter R. Backus, Software Manager for Project Phoenix. "Investigation revealed that the BeOS was reacting to remote BMessages."

According to the Be Book, a BMessage bundles information so that it can be conveyed from one application to another, one thread of execution to another, or even one object to another.

The Project Phoenix team has called in top cryptology experts to help decode the message the BMessages contain. While it was not revealed exactly what actions the BMessages contained, it was stated that "they are definitely non-random in nature, and were detected while the radio telescopes were studying Mu Andromeda."

"I just hope that any extraterrestrial intelligence does not turn away when it discovers how widespread the Windows OS is," Tarter added.